emotionally detached money on my mind
January 6th 2012 my first cousin died in California. Not like it was my first cousin ever it was my aunt’s youngest daughter. I wanted to cry but i found that it was difficult to cry. I didn’t want to actually cry until I heard her older sister’s voice as she cried while talking to me on the phone from Germany. I had to hold back the tears as i put on my 2 yr old’s tennis shoes because all i could think if i start crying he is going to ask me what is wrong and i will have to explain to him that i am sad because someone died and I am not able to do that right now. so as i sit here thinking i want to cry while he is asleep i am too tired to do so from nursing his brother all night last night. I want to go to sleep now but had to get these thoughts down. it is my birthday and who doesn’t want to remember what happened on their birthday unless they purposefully drink themselves into a coma.
Today is my 28th birthday all i wanted to do was sleep but i had to watch my lovely children, make phone calls and handle business to put food on the table and get the taxes done.This is the first time i had to be the one calling family memebrs to tell them someone has died and explain to them what had happened. I am horribly bad at it. I told my father so matter of factly i don’t think he really believed me at first. Hell i didn’t believe it. I found out via text alert from a facebook message one of actually 3 of my cousin’s school (high school and college) friends sent to me. I got them as i was waking up from a much needed nap. I honestly thought it was a joke because i didn’t recognize the names at first because i only knew two by first name one by middle name only and the first name caught me off gaurd. Sloane was with my cousin in the hospital and called me to let me know because dec is in germany but wil be in LA on monday.
It is a horrible feeling to know when you are emotionally crippled. I want to be able to teach my son’s to be open with their feelings and not so hard emotionally as i have grown to be over the years of disappointment and heart ache. I am purely a logical person i don’t show emotion if it doesn’t help the situation. Tears literally make me sick when i cry for no reason. i can remember as far back as when i was 9(2 years after my mother died) the first time i got sick after crying over something stupid. then i also remember when the cousin who died tried to spank me with a fly swatter when i was like 10 and didn’t cry at all and thought to myself she really thinks I care about how she disciplines me to get me to do what she wants she isn’t my mother or my grandmother.
the main reason i need to keep it together is for my son’s and to stay focused because we need a new car. My dad made me mad about the car. he thinks that it is funny that Spank didn’t have a car. she hasn’t had a car in years his first thought was to get her car i am more angry then sad because of my disbelief in his insensitivity. let alone his ignorance to why she topped talking to him. he sold his own mother’s home out from under her to where she was evicted from a home she paid for in cash in the 30s. a black woman paid for a mansion at the time in CASH and he mortgaged it out from under her for drugs. i didn’t speak to him for a while but when he called me for help i did. he even sold his family grave plot for drugs as well and he was so stoned he forgot that he did it and said today that if spank doesn’t have life insurance she could be buried in his plot which was sold before i graduated high school.
I am tired of this BS when i get my taxes back this year. I am going to buy a car and find a day trader to turn 3500 into 35000 or more so that we can get out of this slump of a life style living paycheck to paycheck. I have life insurance my 2 son’s have life insurance and my father doesn’t want any he thinks it is a waste of money because he wants to spend it now. before my dad came to live with me i had savings and i had back up plans. he and my ex have drained that and for awhile i honestly felt defeated and became complacent. not anymore i stick to my goal of having 1 million in the bank on my 30th birthday. my own house and a brand new 2014 car. life is way too short but i am not going to leave my children with the same crap my father left me with his debt.