Television, babies, and Surragacy

I have always thought about being a surrogate mother I love having babies. I love my two sons. the logical thing is that I would be doing it for the money. But now watching “having their baby” I definitely couldn’t imaging a closed adoption. I would have to have an open local adoption. I love breastfeeding and would be happy to pump and provide that to any baby that I would be surrogate for, but how many families would be willing to do that? I would love to have another baby and be around people that love and support me something i never had with my two kids. but having a third baby right now just wouldn’t work because I just couldn’t afford it.

I look at the women that had the babies and I am strong like the feminist single mother who gave up her twins to be a better mother to her first born son. I think i should have given up tony for adoption so I wouldnt have taken away from Nathan but then that is when I can say I idenify with the college student who logically had all the perfect reasons but as soon as she saw her first born daughter had to change her mind and sacrifice her planned life to incorporate this new bundle of joy. when i was pregnant with nathan I didn’t want children ever I like to sleep in late i am a binge drinking alcoholic and i was a smoker at the time. As soon as I saw his face the thought of giving him up was the furthest thing from my mind the drinking stopped the smoking stopped until he was two but that was short lived 3 months. now smokers piss me off.

So the thing i learned is that it is harder to give up that first child but every child after that is a little bit easier to give up. Although I would never give up tony at this point but I would never ever give up nathan. I sad truth but It is a reality. I don’t love nathan or tony any less then i love the other. but i am tired and hate that I can’t give them both the attention that i wish i could and know that i could do better if i only had one or if i was in a healthy relationship.